How Bad Sex Happens to Good Books: A Primer

The UK's Literary Review has been terrorizing Anglo-British fiction with its Bad Sex Awards since 1993. Here's a sample from the 2014 shortlist:

3. The Narrow Road to the Deep North by Richard Flanagan

Whatever had held them apart, whatever had restrained their bodies before, was now gone. If the earth spun it faltered, if the wind blew it waited. Hands found flesh; flesh, flesh. He felt the improbable weight of her eyelash with his own; he kissed the slight, rose-coloured trench that remained from her knicker elastic, running around her belly like the equator line circling the world. As they lost themselves in the circumnavigation of each other, there came from nearby shrill shrieks that ended in a deeper howl.

Dorrigo looked up. A large dog stood at the top of the dune. Above blood-jagged drool, its slobbery mouth clutched a twitching fairy penguin.

How, aspiring writers may ask, to avoid such ridicule?

1. Don't write best-sellers.

2. Follow, if you can with a straight face, the rules this author prescribes.